I Don’t Know What To Say!

Writing a condolence card is probably one of the hardest notes to compose. Everyone struggles with it. You want to say something, but heaven forbid you use the wrong words. Yet the worst thing is to be silent. We’ve been asked to carry one another’s burden and in this way fulfill the law of Christ. (Galatians 6:2) The death of a loved one is a pretty big burden.

I know it’s hard, but with love as your motive it’s easier to write that message of sympathy. I’ve had my fair share of experience with these kinds of letters, let me be your guide finding a good way to connect with those you want to comfort.

I know what you’re thinking, you have no idea what to say. You are ready to give up, buy a card, and be done with the whole awkward situation. Wait. I have a few suggestions to help ease you in and give you the confidence to send a hand written card.

I realize you really want a checklist of what to say but I am going to walk you through this with a few examples. One size does not fit all in grief.

Here is how I tackle this essential piece of comforting correspondence.

I never say “I’m sorry for your loss.” I long ago gave up on the clichés that sprang to mind and instead write from the heart. It’s made all the difference. Of course I still use some of the tried and true words, but they are coupled with love and I go beyond the usual.

I begin by having a pile of greeting cards and blank cards with lovely images on them. I flip through these with the grieving person in mind and see what comes up. Nature cards are nice though most sympathy cards have doves, flowers, or a path in the woods. I am only interested in lovely design. I like to find a card with an unexpected image and give the person a break from all the standard sympathy images filling their mailbox.

Recently I flipped through my cards and there was one with a photo of a bear cub hiding in the tall grass. I bought it because it was as cute image. Then as I looked for a card to send a new widow I thought, Grief is a beast. It’s waiting in the grass ready to pounce. So that is where I started my note.

Dear Rose,

Grief is a beast. It takes a bite out of your life and leaves a hole.

I don’t really care what the inside of the card says, I often glue a piece of paper over the sentiment so I can write my own words. This is key: use your own words. Even if you fumble it will mean so much more.

When you look for a card pick one that speaks to you and the personal relationship you have to the recipient. For example the image of an old car on a birthday card might be the perfect connection. Glue a piece of paper over the birthday greetings on the inside. Then write about the loved ones’ long life, or love of cars, shared hobby being a mechanic, expertise as a gearhead, learning to drive, or maybe road trips. Any of those is a great place to start a shared memory or fond remembrance of the person who died and it all came from a jalopy on a birthday card.

Now, you have the card let’s write your own message inside. Even though I’ve written a lot of these cards it doesn’t get easier. I always ache for the person left behind.

Take a deep breath. Seriously. Take a deep breath, this will settle your heart, and make it easier to focus. Writing is hard.

Write a draft on scratch paper. I get out the false starts and the repetitive words and can put my thoughts in order. It’s a mess and can take a while but a rough draft helps me get the right words in the right order.

I can hear you asking: But what exactly do I say? There are a few does and don’ts. Not every letter needs all of these elements but here are good things to include.

Acknowledge their loss and express your sorrow. Mentioning the deceased by name honors them. This makes your card specific not a generic “sorry for your loss.”

It was sad to hear of the passing of your mother, Brenda. I can’t imagine your heartache at this time. She was so lovely.

Let the person know how much you loved, admired, or will miss the one who died. It helps to be specific and give the bereaved a chance to remember their loved one with a smile. Maybe even hear something new. I know my mom heard lots of new things about my dad when she received letters from his co-workers. She treasured those notes all the more.

Writing about the qualities you’ll miss can naturally lead to sharing a memory. All this need only be a sentence or two.

I loved the way Ted took time to enjoy the little things. Remember the time we all sat on the dock in Tahoe waiting for full moon to rise. What a special quiet evening we had together.

Express your love of the mourner and tell them you are thinking of them. Knowing they are not alone is a powerful message and gives great comfort.

Make an offer of service. Be specific don’t give the promise of “If you need anything, let me know.” That’s a lot of work for them to have to figure out how you can help. They may not have the energy to ask. Instead, try something like this:

I have enclosed a gift card to your favorite restaurant for some take out. (There are only so many “grief lasagnas” one person can consume!)

Or if you have a closer relationship, offer to come over and clean the bathroom or do some laundry or stop by one afternoon to take them for a walk. Offer to show up and be with them so they don’t have to grieve alone. Be prepared for them to decline. You can always gently offer again.

It’s okay to be funny. When my uncle passed I told my aunt in my first letter to her, as a little girl I felt very brave when I asked my bald uncle if he ever had hair.

Finish out your note with a hope for peace or an expression of sympathy.  As simple and short as: I am thinking of you with love and holding you in my heart.

Overall this note doesn’t need to be long. I would encourage you to send several short notes over the first weeks and months of grieving. Because there comes a point when the mailbox is empty. How lovely would it be if then another card from you showed up to let them know someone is still thinking of them? The world didn’t move on completely. Someone knows it’s still hard.

I know it feels like a minefield to write one of these letters. Here are a few booby-traps to avoid. These things may seem like a good idea at the time but they can blow up in a grieving person’s face and offer no comfort. Either don’t use these phrases at all or think of what you really mean to say.

I know how they feel. No, you don’t. Every person has a different reaction to death and the circumstances vary drastically. To assume you know how they feel doesn’t give them the room to grieve in their own way. Better to say you can’t imagine how they feel. This letter is not about you; it’s to offer comfort to them.

You are stronger than you know. They don’t want to be strong right now. They probably want to fall apart and have friends and family catch them. Think of what pressure it is to be told over and over you are strong when inside you know you are falling apart and it’s going to take a miracle to move forward.  It’s a burden to put on a brave face. Real comfort might be to say: It’s our turn to hold you in love.

They are in a better place. As a Christian I believe that to be true and this may be a huge comfort to the one you are writing too. However not everyone feels that assurance. Now is not to the time to evangelize. Now is the time to show your Christian love by showing up and doing the hard work of being present.

Now you can start living again. This is one of those things people say to someone who has been a caregiver for a long time. They may feel relief that the suffering is over; they may even have been grieving for months already. Now they need time to adjust to the reality and finality of their loss. Better to say something like: It will take time for this to sink in. I hope you can be gentle with yourself moving forward.

I don’t know what I’d do if I lost my… None of us know how we’d react when a loved one dies. Imagining our own grief doesn’t give much comfort to the one suffering now. It might be better to give the mourner the freedom to react any way imaginable. What if you were to acknowledge: Some days might feel like a relief. Some days might be filled with tears, or be sleepless, or numb, or apathy. There’s no right way to feel when a person dies.

The best way to avoid saying something insensitive is to remember you are trying to give comfort. Read what you’ve written and ask yourself, would I want to hear this if my loved one died?

The Lists

Here’s the list I said I wouldn’t give you. I have a heart. I recognize this is a difficult task. Here’s my cheat sheet for writing a condolence letter with compassion:

1 Find a card with an image you like or connects with the bereaved

2 Take a deep breath

3 Write from the heart

4 Write a draft of your thoughts to copy into the card

5 Include one or more these sentiments:

Acknowledge their loss and mention the deceased by name

Share what you loved about the person who passed

Tell the mourner you are thinking of them with love

Share a memory of the person who died

Give an offer of service, being as specific as possible

Add a wish or a hope for healing in time

And a list of gentle reminders for your writing:

1 Be yourself

2 Be funny when it feels right

3 Send lots of letters

Grief is a long and hard process. It’s not the same for everyone. The best we can do for each other is acknowledge the hurt and show up. We can’t fix the pain. But we can send loving-kindness to family and friends who are grieving. After all, having something precious enough to grieve is a joy and acknowledging that by mail gives a special personal kind of comfort.